A Glimpse of Jackie
2005-05-15 - 3:10 a.m.
Land of Jacks.
Jackie is a psuedonym. It has no personal connection with who I am...same as stitchfish. A random string of words placed together to form a place where the real me is expressed.
I have been brought up to learn that if a person knows your thoughts and your weaknesses it can and will be used against you. At the very least, you will be judged by them. My life in the past was very public and now that it isn't, I find that the need for self expression grows deeper and deeper.
My greatest fear (other than being exposed for who I really am) is mental illness. So far so good though! I'm probably out of the woods age wise, but my dear old diary here is helping me work out the possibility of nervous breakdown. Truthfully, I'm probably far from that, but because it's a fear it's always a possibility!
I work as a Registered Nurse. I really hate nursing, mainly because of the stress level! I am always worried that someone will die on me, that a better nurse would catch something before me. So far I have never been in a code situation, but I have had several close calls.
I desperately want to get out of the medical field, but I guess I'm not really desperate enough because I have no idea what I want to do next.
Erik Erikson is probably my greatest enemy right now. He developed a theory of stages of development in the early 1900s. I am currently somewhere in between the "Intimacy vs. Isolation" stage and "Generitivity vs. Self Absorption". It's kind of a pass or fail thing and once you've failed, the next level is pretty much screwed up for you too. In with Erikson's theories, I find that I don't have trouble making friends, but I have trouble maintaining friendships and relationships all together. One at a time is about all I can handle. That is an issue with intimacy. Also, I am having trouble starting my 'family' in that my husband and I can't seem to get pregnant...generitivity. I wish I didn't believe in Erikson's theories, but unfortunately, I do.
I love God. I believe that He takes care of me. I believe that He hears me when I talk to Him. I believe He cares about me. I believe that Jesus fullfilled many of the prophecies that fortold of the coming Christ. I am very interested in relevant Christianity, how it shapes our culture and how our culture shapes it.
I love socks. Not just socks, but socks with great fabrics or crazy patterns. Ice cream cones, cats, stripes, dots, happy bunny... I do love socks. They make me happy.
I also love interiors. I love Pottery Barn all together. Everything they sell is fabulous!
I don't know if in the end I will ever reveal my true face or not, but I have already revealed my true self. The eyes you see are mine and that butterfly is mine too. Maybe that's as much "intimacy" as I can really give right now and possibly ever.
To read the story of the butterfly, click here.
Share your thoughts with me.
before - after
