All the paperwork
2009-11-07 - 9:20 a.m.

Feeling a little more on the mend than last entry... using the Xanax as needed has been a beautiful experience in that there has been no ill side effects! No numbness or dizziness or zoned out experience... the low dose has been all I need to get myself under control before I'm out of control. I'm sure it's something that the therapist will not approve of, but I've had to take it daily and sometimes twice a day. Yes, I'm sure one of these days they will want to take it away from me, but for now it's helping me maintain . And that really is my goal....

Speaking of goals... Evidently, we keep the psychotherapists busy during the holiday season because the first available appointment wasn't until the middle of December! But luckily someone canceled and I'm on for the end of November and I've let them know that I can be available at short notice so I'm hoping they will go ahead and get me in quicker... I just want to get it over with, even though I realize that it's not going to be over with for a long time. And I realize I'm not ACTUALLY in crisis like a lot of people out there are... this is just my version of crisis... The paper work was EXHAUSTING!!! And I don't know how it goes really... felt awkward trying to come up with answers to questions and felt like if I kept on trying to come up with the answers that I'd probably just end up lying or glossing it over or something... questions like, "What do you hope to get out of this?" and "why are you here now?" In all honesty, I hope to get rid of these symptoms because I can't maintain my current level of functionality otherwise. And questions like "What is causing you the most problems right now" ended up getting an answer of "I want to say my work, but that doesn't seem right.... " I mean, I'm not trying to be illusive or dodge the questions, but I honestly don't KNOW what is wrong with me! I can't verbalize anything that's causing me all this trouble. It's probably people like me that end up in therapy for the longest amount of time! Anyway.. I'll let you know how it goes.

Describe your mom... bitter against men, anxious, oblivious to everything else around her...

Describe your dad... extrovert, driven, trying to do it right the 3rd time around...

Describe your brothers and sisters their ages and how they are doing.... 30 with a family, 5 well adjusted, loves me, 2 well adjusted for a 2 year old, 2 the quiet one, also well adjusted for a 2 year old.

I'm not really sure that this kind of information is really going to help define me except to highlight a lot of disfunction that may or may not be the biggest issues of my life. Hey, who knows, these may be the biggest issues of my life and I'm in such denial about it that it's causing these other issues... who knows... I don't. Anyway.. I'll be glad to get it started... and get it finished.

Share your thoughts with me.




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